Life, love and an Iraqi Veteran.

Yes it's been a year. Lazy? Probably, so get over it.

What has happened in a year? Let me see. Kevin07 has been elected and is soon to be replaced with Recession08. The world economy is down the flushing thing and people are in a panic. So what has actually changed?

Me? my life roles on as it has. Yes I still have PTSD and somehow I am still on this mortal coil. My days are spent swinging from one emotion to the other. Right now? Anger, depression after an afternoon of anxiety. My life is now spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always on edge. It's hard to have a family when the kids wrap their arms around you saying "Daddy, I love you" and you just mumble something in return. Because you can't feel it. My 3 year old daughter came running up to me tonight whilst cooking dinner. She was screaming that she had hit her nose. I felt no sympathy or worry as any father would. I looked at her and my response was "Your fine" and turned back to cooking. Cold? Yes. Unloving? Yes. But I just don't seem to be able to connect with my kids or my wife really. I don't seem to be able to connect to anyone. I've thought about suicide, almost daily actually. The only thing that keeps me from doing it are the thoughts of how unfair it would be to them. Not out of love or caring as a father mind you, just it wouldn't be fair. I suppose I do have some humanity left, but not much.

One would think that I am insane if they were privy to my inner most thoughts. I probably am. But I would also argue that my wife would be a tad mental as well. She puts up with me. She tolerates my rants and insecurities as well as my paranoia and mood swings. She deals with all of this plus our kids and works, yet if I called her at work and asked her to come home, she would in a heart beat. I am very fortunate to have such a loving and caring wife, but sometimes I wish she would and take the kids with her. Then I would have nothing and no reason to remain on this earth. It would be so easy then. I've even thought how I would do it. Alcohol and pills. Drink so much and take every single piece of medication I can find, no matter what it is. Is it fair to her to have these thoughts? I don't know but every day I wake up after an awful nights sleep of nightmares, waking up startled (at least four times a night) and wakeful period to see her beautiful face. For half a second everything else is forgotten. So that helps me stay another day.